Saturday, May 23, 2009

Wait, why am I doing this again?

On the plus side, obviously, I've been working steadily enough to avoid having to post Excuse Notes here.

On the minus side, some of the work has been on the level of rewriting one sentence and scampering off into the night.

That's probably not too helpful. I mean, it may well get it done, but I'd like to have this thing finished by the end of the year, not the end of next decade. Since I'm not working under any external deadline and I do have other matters to attend to (such as finding a job before my unemployment insurance runs out) it's all too easy to file it under Things To Be Done Real Soon Now.

I pondered this in my morning pages (yes, I do morning pages, yes, I know this makes me a cliche, no, I don't actually give a damn as long as it works for me) and it occurred to me that part of my reluctance comes from a lack of focus on the reasons why I'm writing, so the reasons why not wind up driving my actions. Since the only Reason Why that I've been paying attention to is avoiding having to write an excuse note, I put in the minimum to satisfy that requirement and that's the end of it.

The Reasons Why Not are various--not wanting to waste effort on something that may well wind up rejected, not wanting to go over the flaws and be reminded that I'm not that great a writer on the initial draft, indeed, not wanting to confront the possibility that I'm not that great a writer at all.

What, then, are The Reasons Why? I have quite a few of them, some noble, some petty, but perhaps worth mentioning here so I can remind myself of them when I have need.

Because I really don't want to become that typical white person who talks about the novel she's working on and never actually finishes it.

Because the idea for this novel has been kicking around in my head for something like ten years and it's not going to stop haunting me until I've brought it into the world one way or another.

Because I like the idea of leaving something of myself behind, even if it just winds up on a dusty shelf after I'm gone.

Because it's a love letter to the art and music scene in Atlanta that I'd hate to leave undelivered.

Because people will undoubtedly take me more seriously as a writer if I have a published book with my name on it.

Because Tanith Lee said she was looking forward to reading it.

Because I've started this dang blog about it, so I might as well make it worth the bandwidth.

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